


Valentine's Day Quiz

by Gemini_00



Series: Batfamily Shorts [17]
Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Catwoman (Comics), Gotham (TV), Gotham City Sirens (Comics)
Genre: BatCat, Bruce Wayne is Batman, Deadly Game, F/M, Gun Violence, Morally Ambiguous Character, Obsessive Behavior
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-15
Updated: 2019-02-15
Packaged: 2019-10-28 18:08:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17792216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gemini_00/pseuds/Gemini_00
Summary: Selina just wanted to enjoy her Valentine's Day, not play some sick newly weds game.





	Valentine's Day Quiz

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Valentine's Day!
> 
> Enjoy!

“Sure babe, we’ll just have a nice night in,” Catwoman snarked at Batman as they fought off freaking Batman look alikes. She was pretty sure that she was going to punch the real one, “The kids agreed to have a nice night in.”

 

“We’ll I promised Nightwing and Oracle the this Valentine’s Day off,” Bat groaned as he threw a Bat off him, but the other was coming up behind him. Of course her lover could take it but she stills used her whip to restrain the attacker.

 

“Oh and the other five thousand children that you have?” She asked as she began to take out the last bat.

 

He doesn’t reply as he begins to unmask the fake Bats, all of which ended up just being convicts. He gives her a look at one of the marks she left on the attacker. She crossed her arms defiantly, “If I can’t hit you then I’m going to hit the one that looks like you.”

 

She could already tell that he was rolling his eyes behind that cowl. Instead he ignored her and began to contact the commissioner and search for clues while figuring out why someone would have a bunch of fake Batmen attack the city.

 

“Batgirl, did you find anything?” Batman asked over the comms. 

 

“Besides the fact Red Robin is the most clueless Valentine’s Date ever, I got one of the fake Bats to talk,” She stated over the comms. Catwoman could hear Red Robin groaning from the cave where he was covering for Oracle.

 

“I sent her flowers while on patrol,” He deadpanned.

 

“Yes, and it was very sweet,” Came Stephanie’s voice, “But what the hell and I supposed to do with five bouquets of roses on a rooftop.”

 

“Can we please focus on the matter at hand,” Batman sounded way too much of a father of nine, “What did you find, Batgirl?”

 

“All evidence points to the Joker being behind these attacks,” She told the group, “Good thing that the Red Hood is out of town with the baby bat.”

 

Selina flashed her eyes at Bats who seemed unamused with the joke, but she could see him calculating the ways, “You two stay away from this. Take care of the fake Batmen. I’m heading to amusement mile now.”

 

Selina stared at him, “You don’t think that I’m going to let you leave me here, right?”

 

With an exasperated sigh, “Of course not,  _ dear.” _

 

Amusement Mile always freaked her out when she was a kid, with all the weird clowns and mirrors. But now that it is Joker headquarters, she hates it. She hates the filth and the creepy laugh that fills this place. She hates that this is where she has to spend Valentine’s Day, a holiday she hated. But now she’s got Bruce who is chasing after a deranged clown. Oh well, he’s still a step up from Black Mask and Dent.

 

“Marry me, he says,” She taunted as they walked through, “It will be fun, he says.”

 

“That ring does have a receipt,” Bats grunted.

 

“Please,” she rolled her eyes, “I’d just steal it again.”

 

They trudge through and through the disgusting wasteland until they reach the House of Mirrors, “Why do you think he’ll be here? Why not the tea cups?”

 

“I’m just assuming that him sending versions of myself to torment the city might be a hint of where he is hiding,” He snapped at her, “Would you like to make any other suggestions?”

 

“Maybe he is at a fancy dinner. Enjoying the gourmet food. And waiting for his  _ wonderful  _ fiance to make sweet passionate love to him on a bed of roses,” She let the sarcasm drain from her voice, “Or that’s where I wish I was.”

 

“Look Cat, I know-”

 

“Bats, watch out!” She screamed going after her whip when a ‘Batman’ came through the dark. She held back the wrist of the one, choosing wisely as Bats knocked him out. But more kept coming and the mirrors got to be too much. When the gas filled the room, Bruce didn’t get to his mask in time, instead trying to force it on her then he fell. 

 

“Bruce…” She whispered reach for his gloved hand.

  
  


When she woke, she was attached the the wheel of the tea cups ride. The zipties dug into her wrist without her clawed gloves on.

 

“Oh you’re up,” cackled the clown as he climbed up on the teacups. She doesn’t miss the crowbar he twist in his hands, “Thought I’d have to spray you with water or something, get it?”

 

“Hah,” She deadpanned, “What do you want Joker?”

 

“Lots of things. Mostly for you to find some humor. You know, Garfield was much funnier than you.”

 

“Well I always preferred Bozo the clown over the crazy kind,” She smiled sweetly, “But what can you do, It’s Gotham after all.”

 

The loud laugh let her see all the disgusting yellow stained teeth as the madman acted as if she was a one woman comedy show. The spit hit her in the face. The second she got free, she was going to use his scrawny body as a scratching post. Even without her glove, this kitty still has claws.

 

“Always good to talk to a friend, It’s even better when we got some music and lights to do this. Lets get this ride started, Bethany,” He yelled over to a teenage girl that Selina didn’t notice before. The sobbing girl was handcuffed to ride controls. Sobbing, she starts the ride with Joker and Catwoman sitting in the teacup.

 

“So, I’m sure you’re wondering why would little old me interrupt the newly weds, or soon to be, day of love,” He grinned like a maniac, “See, Batsy and I always had a date scheduled for this day. I’m not even sure if he noticed. He can be a bit of a workaholic, that’s why it’s up to me and those surrounding him to loosen him up a bit.”

 

“Don’t compare you to me,” She hissed.

 

He laughed again, getting right up into her personal face. It was all so unnerving, “We’re gonna play a game, Kitty Cat. Just a little guessing game about our dear old bats. You prove that you know him better than me and I’ll let you both go. But if you’re wrong then bam.”

 

He pulled out a gun that let a little flag go in her face.

 

“And if I don’t agree?” She asked. He stared at the girl on the controls. Selina knew she was already stuck in this sick game. But that didn’t mean she was going to sit through it. Bruce wasn’t around to save her and she certainly didn’t need him too. She just had to keep him distracted.

 

“Nine questions, like nine lives,” He laughed, “Lets play a game. Question one: who is the man behind the mask?”

 

She eyed the unconsolable girl at the counter, “you already know.”

 

“Yes, but it gives me a real kick to hear it,” His green eyes shine like acid.

 

“Bruce Wayne,” she almost whispered. The clown threw back his body laughing. It gave her the perfect chance to loosen the ties on her feet and hands.

 

“I love thinking about that big ol’ goof,” Joker continued, “Question Two: Who did  _ Bruce Wayne _ first fall in love with?”

 

She glared at him, “Silver St. Cloud.”

 

“And who did  _ Batman  _ first fall in love with?” His grin grew even wider.

 

“Talia al Ghul,” she spat it out like poison. Joker knew he was pushing her, the way he laughed like a maniac (well more of a maniac) was driving her insane. It made her skin crawl in a way that didn’t feel normal.

 

“Okay, fourth question. I don’t even think you can get this one wrong, what’s his favorite type of joke?”

 

“He prefers riddles,” she snickered. The madman laughed again as he backhanded across the face and wiggled a finger at him, “Knock knocks. He love ‘em.”

 

“I can work with some knock knocks,” He nodded as if he were thinking it over. She managed to loosen the ties enough to slip her foot out of her boot. She still had two hands and another foot to slip out.

 

“What type of jewelry was Mrs. Martha Wayne wearing before she was shot down in front of our boy?” He asked.

 

“Are you serious? Pearls. A pearl necklace,” she answered. It made no sense to why he was asking the most simplistic of questions. There was something up his sleeve.

 

“I’m asking the question, missy. Now this one I think is a real stumper. Which death is his greatest failure? Failing to save his parents? Or failing to save his little bird?”

 

“You’re sick,” she stated with such a look of disgust.

 

“He’s just failed so many people. Harlz, that old buler of his, the littles-”

 

“Robin. When you killed Robin,” she wanted to choke him, “It broke him in a way that can never be fixed.”

 

“That’s right,” He grinned, “I can do that. I have that effect. That chaos and darkness only I can bring out.”

 

“You’re just a jealous ol’ bastard,” she hissed, “So insecure that you killed a fifteen year old to keep the attention on you. And guess what? You still didn’t win.”

 

“Next question,” and there was a dark look in his eyes, “Who does he choose you or Gotham?”

 

There were tears wanting to dot her eyes, “Gotham. And you know it.”

 

“But you would choose him over Gotham?” He questioned.

 

“Wouldn’t you?” She shot back. He didn’t reply to that at all. 

 

“Okay fine, who made the joker?” He grinned. It was a favorite of his to throw back into Bruce’s face. The fact that essentially Batman helped create the Joker and all the mayhem that came with it.

 

“Batman,” she replied, hating herself for admitting it.

 

“Yes, he created me and I created him. Don’t you see, Kitty Cat? We aren’t just made for eachother. We made one another. Now why would you jump in the middle of us?” He asked her in his little obsessive way. The boop on her nose told her exactly what she wanted to do to him when she got out. Which second foot free.

 

“Because I have the ring,” she hissed, “and it’s a purrfect fit.”

 

“Next question,” He angrily glared at her, “How does one kill the Batman?”

 

“You don’t,” she spoke, “You can’t kill Batman like Batman can’t kill the Joker.”

 

“Final question,” He rose with the gun pointed at her in his hands, “What does a cat say when they can no longer speak.”

 

“Meow.”

 

Using her leverage she flipped over the wheel to stabilize her. Her hands slipping out of the zip ties easily. She managed to hit him off the ride, the gun flying across the teapot. He’s dying with laughter.

 

“Naughty kitty,” He grinned when she landed perfectly on her hands even without her whip, claws, and shoes- she could kick his ass.

 

“So I’ve heard,” She glared. 

 

The fight is rather simple. He’s stronger than her though and the speeding ride around them makes it hard. But her hands find the gun and she whips it towards him. He’s not standing exactly in front of him but a knife is held to a teenage girl’s throat. Selina’s hands are shaking because that stupid twisted newly weds game messed her up good. She imagined their life without the joker in it, how her lover would be repaired. But this was Gotham, the city she loved, the city they all loved and made. 

 

“This has been fun, kitty,” He grinned, “But we both know you’re too good now. Maybe there’s hope for me yet.”

 

He ran off, leaving her with the crying girl. Selina ran to her, shooting the cuffs off and slamming her hand down on the stop button.

 

“Thank you,” the girl threw her arms around her.

  
  
  


Selina found Bruce still trapped in the mirror house, they managed to get their way home and put away all of the faux Batmen then head home. It’s onto February the fifteenth now, past Valentine’s day. 

 

Selina Kyle decides to put the Cat away for tonight and curl up next to Bruce Wayne, not the Bat.

 

“You’re the most broken man I know,” she whispered to him when they crawl into bed together. She just needs to hold him. She needs to know that he is here with her and not attacking a madman with an obsession for what is hers, “I am so hopelessly in love with you.”

 

“What happened tonight?” he whispered into her hair.

 

“If it came to it, Bruce, I’d choose you over Gotham. I can’t choose always be so righteous,” She wanted to cry, “You have to promise not to hate me for it.”

 

“I promise I won’t hate you,” He told her. It wasn’t perfect. It wasn’t I’d kill for you. Or I’ll be there. But it was enough for her to be content for the night.

 

“Happy Valentine’s Day.”

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Because we can't be completely happy in Gotham
> 
> Please support this wonderful Batfamily/Redhood fan series where I've gathered my inspiration for Damian Wayne and Jason Todd. Seriously they are Ismahawk level good  
> https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCq-0ZJeZQ99fS8CiF6nBlgg
> 
> and please support their Kickstart by donating even a dollar and share with your friends! They need it or we won't get a season two
> 
> http://bit.ly/redhoods2
> 
> Comments make the world go round.


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